Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
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ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I don’t think my car can fly
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
What kind of a cult is this?
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone