My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
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me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well