Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
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My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
My support group can outdrink your support group.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
fly smarter, not harder
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life