My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
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Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse