[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
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astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.