“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
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SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.