My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
You Might Also Like
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
I’m having an out of money experience.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.