My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
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My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.