A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
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People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
how to have an accident 101
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.