I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
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You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
CRYING
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.