I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
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My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
the red hot silly peppers
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile