Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
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You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings