[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
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My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Inside you there are two wolves
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.