“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
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Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Breaking news:
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father