The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
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The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
felt cute might bury dad later idk
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.