I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
You Might Also Like
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.