Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
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lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Twitter is an abusement park.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…