Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
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Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?