Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
You Might Also Like
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
No one :
Me when I swimming :
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep