Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
😂😂
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
She was REALLY feeling it.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.