Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
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Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.