Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
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Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating