The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
You Might Also Like
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Noah was an idiot.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN