My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
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One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
wtf is an acronym
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”