cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
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DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…