Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
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6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
This is a whole mood;
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents