Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
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[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
won’t smith
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.