Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
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Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.