You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
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Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
“Huge”.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I put the h in mysterious.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.