[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
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Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
The three genders.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Sing it!
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.