Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
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The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.