Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
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A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Y’all know who you are.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?