The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
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ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Help Wanted
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.