Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
You Might Also Like
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…