[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
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So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…