Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
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I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit