[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
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me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY