My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
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IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
What even happened today?
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
If you know, you know
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.