*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
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I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
You deplete me
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.