[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
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HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.