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Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Imagine having a party on purpose.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*