ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
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[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*