All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
#Caturday
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
why isn’t he texting back
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?