Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
You Might Also Like
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Gemma Correll
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.