A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
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[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I hope it’s French Onion!
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
concern
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”