How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
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“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
The cashier just checked me out.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.