New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
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HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”