No YOUR a grammar nazi!
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One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
#SCOTUS one-star review
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method