Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
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Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
fired
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Webb. James Webb.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.