11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
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My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Me: how are you
Friday: good
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
lol